soon2b_royal_t (soon2b_royal_t) wrote,

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The Downside of Up

I have this empty, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach right now. Aching, like it's missing something.

I can't believe my wedding day has come and gone. As magical and beautiful and amazing and incredible as it was, I still feel like I missed out on something.

Like while I was standing up there, it was almost an out of body experience. Almost as if I was watching 2 other people get married.

I sometimes play these sick little games on myself. I often feel like I'm not good enough for something so I tend to go deep inside myself and actually miss out. I mean, I participated, but I don't think I did so emotionally. There were many times that I felt the urge to cry but held back the tears (of joy, mind you) because well.... I don't like people seeing me cry.

But in hindsight, I should have let those tears flow! I saw the tears well up in Taylor's eyes and I stopped him so I wouldn't follow suit. And for that I'm ... ashamed.

I sometimes feel like I ruined my own wedding by not crying. But not showing that emotion.

Don't get me wrong, there is no better feeling in the world than marrying your best friend!

But... this entry was supposed to go somewhere else and instead it ended up here.

I guess I'm just reliving that night over and over in my head really trying to figure out "Did this wonderful thing really happen to me?" It all happened so fast and I did everything I was supposed to and not sweat the small stuff. But it was such a fun-filled blur that I often catch myself wondering if it was a dream.

I guess it's the finality of it all. For almost 12 months Taylor and I have been planning this wedding and in less than 6 hours it was over.

I guess I'm kinda bummed that that chapter of my life is now closed.

But I look forward to the future and getting to know Taylor as my husband.

And finally, I cannot describe the incredible rush of emotion I have when I look down at Taylor's left hand and see that wedding band on his finger. :o) It's just amazing....
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